The Passport Saga

This tale is not actually a saga. It was in my head, before I started the process.

I wrote a while back that I knew exactly where my cat-pee-covered passport was.

My partner and I decided to renew our passports (under a democratic administration because my partner is POC, born in Guam, and most republicans and U.S. border patrol don't even know what/where Guam is, let alone that it is a U.S. territory**). He IS, in all legality, a U.S. citizen. Since the last administration made a point of revoking "sketchy" (re: Muslim/brown people's) passports and deporting those people back to "their countries of origin," even if those people had no memory of or affiliation with that country in their lives, we knew we didn't want to wait for a new administration to say Guam doesn't count and send him back to his country of origin, which he has never been to, with a language he doesn't speak/understand.

Back to the saga:

My passport was 20 years expired, and his was closer to 40 years. I went to the government passport site and went to fill out the paperwork with my expired passport. Lo and behold, what was not in my safe box? That's right, the passport. Absolutely no clue what I did with it. Naturally, that set off an ADHD panic attack, where I started tearing around my home looking high and low, in logical and nonsensical places alike, and having no luck whatsoever. (At least I had my birth certificate in there...)

So I did the only thing I could do: go back to the site and report in the application that it was both damaged (cat pee) and lost, and no, I did not report when it was damaged or lost because I had no idea regarding either thing.

I filled out my passport application, and there was a section asking if damaged/lost, did you report it? No, because I'm an idiot. Was your passport issued more than 15 years ago? Yes! Some luck at last. I print out my application and my partners, and realize that his form would not allow my first name to be entered. It read: Last Name, nothing. (It was especially perplexing because I had no issues entering his full name on mine.) Was this going to be a problem at the application office? Probably, but there was nothing we could do.

I scheduled the appointment, which had a week wait time, for a Friday afternoon. (Early work dismissal, yay!) The government passport site said expect 60-85 minutes for processing (since it was the both of us). So we get to our 2:00pm appointment at 1:55ish, so approximately five minutes early. We didn't even get a chance to sit down to wait; the passport official called us right back.

We filled out some additional paperwork; she had us write in the incompletable fields (or errors, like misspelling my mother's maiden name), took my photo, and had us both out the door at 2:20pm with the comment: "Expect delivery in 6-12 weeks."

That is not an insignificant amount of time, between a month and a half and three months. But we didn't have a timetable to get anywhere yet.

Three (3) weeks later, we both had passports in hand. (Also, first time ever I had a government photo that didn't make me look like crap! Huzzah!) So now here with are, with passport cards to travel in countries with shared borders (Canada and Mexico), and actual book passports to travel beyond North America.

So the saga that I had made it out to be actually took only 10 minutes to fill out the application online, 25 minutes in the application office, and 3 weeks to receive them. This was by far the fastest, easiest, most direct government process I have ever experienced. (I was expecting it to be like the hell that is the Department of Motor Vehicles.)

Now we are sitting here with our passports, with nowhere to actually go, but secure in the fact that my partner will not be deported.

** My partner went to Canada once, when just birth certificates were needed for border travel. The Canadian BP said, "Guam, you're good to go," so into Canada he went. On the return trip, the U.S. BP looked at his birth certificate and said, "What is Guam? That's not a state." Canadian BP had to explain it to U.S. BP, who eventually let him through. U.S. Border Patrol needs to know what and where U.S. territories are located and that they do, in fact, make one a U.S. citizen.

Oops... I Did It Again

In my last post, I covered the issues of impulse buying, retail therapy, and the need for a financial advisor and/or buddy. Everything I said was true and applies to everyone, especially ADHDers, and in particular, me.

My spouse, SIL, and I went to a convention this past weekend. There was only one vendor I wanted to stop at and pick up a couple of things. The seller makes geeky leggings, loungers, joggers, shorts, skirts, and more. I planned on getting one item, a pair of loungers in a Sailor Moon print. They did not have the one I wanted in stock, so I looked at other items. I literally bought something/s from them every single day. I now have three skirts and two loungers that I'm in love with. But... I am also now broke. Again.

Granted, saving up for things like conventions is a good thing to do, which I actually did. I just didn't expect to end up spending quite as much as I did. I justified it with, "What they have, they have; once they're gone, you're screwed," so I got what I really loved and to hell with it.

Except that I now have to pay down my credit card again. It's something I can do, it just leaves me a bit on the penny-pinching side of things for a few weeks.

So even when you have a financial advisor/buddy, sometimes you're going to screw up and go nuts. The trick to this is to acknowledge that you did the thing (spending too much), analyze why you did the thing (impulse-shopping, mental health, justification), and come up with a strategy that keeps you from doing the thing again. My partner and I typically run $100+ purchases by each other, and smaller ones if they're cumulative.

Part of my issue this past weekend was that the items I got were $40 or less a piece, I just got several over the course of several days, and didn't add it up until the deed was done. The other part was that the shop did not put out same patterns every day. Saturday had slightly different inventory than Friday, same on Sunday. So I found something new to get each day, having not seen it before. And while $40 isn't terrible, when you multiply it by nine, it turns into a lot, and definitely over my allowed con budget.

Do I regret anything? Yes, and no. I regret not doing mental/calculator math while I was in purchase-mode. I pretty much lost all self-restraint (again, because they are popular and sell out fast). That justification does not make it any better though. I had a budget and I should have stuck with it. So yes, I regret overspending. I did not do Future-Me any favors.

But also no, because I got some really cute things to wear, the skirts I can wear at the office, so in that sense, I don't feel as bad.

What's surprising, though very nice, is that my self-disgust hasn't reared its ugly head. I don't hate myself for overspending, not like I used to. I'm not in full on panic mode because I do still have a savings buffer, so the sky is not falling. I am not unappreciative of this feeling, it's just... odd. I've never really felt this before, this sense of "okay-ness" of having overspent; in the past, it's always been a "Holy shit, I effed this up, how am I going to feed myself the next two weeks?" situation.

I guess my point with all of this is that having my financial buddy (spouse) really IS helping me. I may have overspent, but not to the point of financial straits. I will recover by my next paycheck, which will go directly into savings. And in the meantime, if I need anything, I'll run it by him first.

Impulse Control, Retail Therapy, and Chronic Broke-ness

ID 169531876 © Alexlmx | Dreamstime.com

Admit it: we've all made impulse purchases, especially when we're in negative-ish moods. When I'm feeling down, my urge to engage in retail therapy is strong, nigh on impossible to ignore. I'll go on a spending spree, purchasing everything, necessary or not, that catches my eye. Does it elevate my mood? Sure... for a finite, and usually short, period of time.

As the high of impulse shopping wears off, I find myself in a bottomless pit of guilt, shame, and a ton of crap I don't have room for because my place is already epically cluttered. And, worst of all, I'm now broke.

Impulse control is a problem for most ADHDers, and when we're feeling frustrated, angry, depressed, or a combination thereof, we have a need to spend our way into a better headspace, a headspace that, as I said, does not last all that long, and, in most cases, inevitably make us feel worse, because now we're buried in piles of crap we don't really need. This leads to guilt, followed closely by shame and depression, and the acute feeling of being totally overwhelmed.

The internet in general, and social media specifically, are not only enablers, they are the drivers of our getting ourselves into debt because they force advertisements on us. You can't scroll through Facebook, Instagram, X, or whatever other social media you use without having ads every third post. Hell, I can't even escape ads when I'm in my email account.

It is extremely frustrating because, for me, I discover cool new things that I would love to try/eat/wear/have/do/etc., but when I'm totally honest and rational with myself (which can range anywhere from "Rationale? I'm down with that," "Rationale? Okay, fine, whatever," and "Rationale? LOLOL! What's that!?"), I can acknowledge that for every 100 ads thrown in my face, only 1-2 really apply to me, and I know I shouldn't get it anyway if I don't have a need for it as it inevitably leads to more clutter.

Yet here we are, buried in mountains of stuff we don't really need or have any particular use for, which, for me at least, triggers a sense of panic because now there's more stuff to organize, in addition to the current stuff that needs to be organized, and now I'm so overwhelmed and depressed, I just ignore it all and dick around on the internet. See where I'm going with this? It becomes a vicious cycle.

That's not even touching upon the real danger of impulse buying/retail therapy; it's that it's antithetical to saving money. You get income. Yay! You put some of it into savings. Go you, you responsible badass! Then, oops, you bought all the things, without keeping track of your purchases and how much you're actually spending (and we all know those little things add up fast). Suddenly you find out your checking account is empty. In order to remedy this, you have to pull money out of savings to put into checking so you don't overdraft, meaning you are spending your savings and therefore are not actually saving anything at all.

And then, to make matters even worse, come the overdraft fees. "You don't have enough money in this account to get groceries? We (the bank) will cover it and charge you a $35+ overdraft fee." And those fees add up lighting fast. Suddenly you realize that your account is at -$650, due, not to spending, but to the accumulation of all the overdraft fees.

This leads to greater guilt ("You can't even keep money in your account!") and deeper depression ("I got new thing/s and now I can't afford to pay rent/mortgage, bills, etc., or even feed myself... I am utterly worthless."). That's around the time you want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. But let's face it, if you're -$XXX in the hole, you can't even afford the hole you're trying to hide in.

So what does it all mean? It means you need a way to track your expenses, minimize purchases, especially impulse purchases and retail therapy, and, if you can afford one, get a financial advisor. Or at least a financial buddy, someone you trust to teach you how to manage money without digging yourself further into debt. A financial buddy should be someone you trust, like a spouse, sibling, or BFF. It needs to be someone who has good financial management skills, patience, kindness, and a willingness to teach ADHDers with the full knowledge that, for ADHDers, financial management is a "three steps forward, two-and-a-half steps back" process until the ADHDer has created a ritual for it, making it a habit. Most importantly, it has to be someone who will not judge you, take advantage of you, or make you feel worse about yourself.

There are also countless apps for budgets and expense tracking, which can be very useful tools... when you find one you like, and remember to use it. But that's a topic for another time.