Lost & (Maybe) Found Again

Ugh. We've all been there, putting something in a very logical, safe place, only to be completely unable to find it when needed. This is the story of my life.

So a few years ago, I had this lovely phoenix rising pendant charm that I adored, even after the garnet in the center fell out. I haven't seen it in nearly 10 years (well before I moved in with my now-spouse). I was really sad about it, especially when I would see it in photos of yesteryear, but I gave it up as well and truly lost. Well yesterday, I was trying to untangle the knots in a necklace chain, so I had to pull it out of the box and wouldn't you know, there was the phoenix pendant right there, solidly tangled in the other necklace chain. I was thrilled. I also wondered why the hell I ever thought that particular box was a good place for it, buried beneath the other pendant.

This happens to me all the time. I lose things, be it everyday things like my wallet or keys, to things with sentimental value to me like that necklace. I'll have it, use it, put it somewhere safe, lose it from myself, lament the loss, and eventually, when I'm least expecting it, find it.

Sadly not all items have such a serendipitous finding. I managed to lose a cosplay gown that I had custom made, after only having worn it to one convention. I've searched everywhere in places that made sense and places that did not. It's well and truly gone. So I commissioned a new gown to replace it, and I'm at least 80% sure that once I get the new gown, the first one will turn up, because that's just my luck.

My filing system (ha, like I have a filing system) consists of accordion boxes with dividers to keep important documents. The only problem with this system is that I have to remember to put the important documents into the box. *despairing laughter* Sometimes I do file things away. Also sometimes I move the filing box to somewhere safe and logical, and then can't find it when I go looking for said documents.

This is the trouble with ADHD. At least my ADHD. You have an important or necessary item to put away, but if anything distracts your attention even for just a moment, it's lost in the ether. Sometimes it can be found with a little searching, especially if you just lost it, but if you put it "away," forget it. You won't find it until at least 6 months later (if ever).

This same thing happened with my (now expired) passport. Of course, it lives in a little Ziploc bag because my late cat had peed on it and it reeks of cat urine. Still, I need this document to get a new one. It took me two and a half years after moving in with my spouse to locate it. Now it lives in my lockbox with my other super important items (like my birth certificate). Still, how can someone lose something so important for such a long period of time? Screw you very much, ADHD.

Overwhelmed & Undermotivated: Part 2

Photo 211681359 / Overwhelmed © Chernetskaya | Dreamstime.com

My work desk is a mess. It's rather a large, L-shaped desk so there's ample work room. Or rather, there would be if I didn't have four massive piles of paperwork cluttering up what amounts to at least half of the desk space. I've taken extra doses of what I call Project Ritalin (in addition to my regular daily ADHD medication) for the last week and I still haven't been able to start.

My boss is out for the next two weeks, so I have two weeks to clean my space up. I don't want to procrastinate, waiting until the three days and getting myself into a panic about getting everything done, as is my usual modus operandi.

As I've said before, I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult, just after college. When I was a freshman in college, I had this paper due. I had done all the research the first week, right after we were given the assignment. I had a month to write it, but couldn't work up the motivation to do it until the night before, with the deadline looming. I wrote 18 out of the 20 required pages and went to sleep, setting my alarm early to finish it the next day.

I woke up at 0500 to find that my computer failed to save my draft when I went to bed. I had to start the paper over from scratch, and it was due at 0900. I cried and called my mom, who calmed me down and told me, "You already know what you wrote, just write it again and round it out. Don't worry about revisions. You got this."

So I pounded some coffee and got to writing with 3 hours and 45 minutes until I had to meet with my professor to turn the paper in. And I got it done! My mom was absolutely right. I knew the material and I was able to rewrite the entire paper in three and a half hours, with just enough time to print it out, get clothes on instead of pajamas, and haul ass across campus with minutes to spare. For being totally panicked and nearly having a complete meltdown, I was rewarded with an A+ and told by my professor that she expected great things from me.

College was extremely challenging for me. If I had classes I was interested in, I'd get on Dean's List for the semester. If I had gen-eds that I didn't care for, it was Academic Probation. There was no halfway. Dean's List, or Academic Probation, and I never knew which it would be until halfway through the semester when I'd be failing. No amount of staying late, tutoring, or reading texts was able to help me through those boring classes, or worse, classes with topics that were difficult for me to learn. I'm a hands-on, visual learner, and abstract classes were the worst. (Talking about you, calculus and astronomy.)

How does this correlate to my current work desk issue? I do not want to put it off until the last second where I'm bound to misfile or lose paperwork. But how do I get started? Well, at this exact moment in time, I'm still trying to figure that out, but writing out this post is helping me get fired up for tackling this overwhelming project.

I hate filing, and I hate cleaning, and these two things are the crux of my current dilemma. The clarion call of the book I'm reading is definitely distracting, and I would much rather finish it than start the desk project. The sad truth of the matter is that I've been reading this series (the first book of which is listed as my "Pick of the Month") for the last two weeks, while putting off my desk project. The fact that I've read this series multiple times and know how it all ends doesn't matter. It isn't the point. Escapism is so much nicer than the reality of a disastrous mess staring me in the face.

To say I'm waiting for my Project Ritalin to kick in isn't exactly fair, because I've taken it several days in a row to try to tackle this and it hasn't helped. Focus, yes, but motivation, absolutely not. What will help? Hell if I know.

I'll start it today because I have more willpower than I did last week or the week before. Also because I can tell myself that the deadline is looming, ever closer with each passing day. Will I accomplish it? Yes... eventually. But today is the day I'll get started at least. Writing this post is shaming me into doing it. As I said in my previous "Overwhelmed & Undermotivated" post, shame is, sadly, an effective self-motivator.

So... I will wrap this up and (hopefully) start with the paperwork in the first pile, moving on in a systematic, linear fashion from there. Now if only my head would stop hurting...

Book Bans & Burnings

Photo 109539473 © Dmitry Alexandrov | Dreamstime.com

I will try as much as possible to keep politics out of this blog, but there are certain topics, such as book bans and burnings that are too important for me to keep silent on.

There has been a lot in the news lately about banning books, specifically in states that fall on the republican side of the political divide. (Looking at you, Florida, Tennessee, and Texas.) This is so concerning on so many levels, and for so many reasons.

It starts with the concept of American Exceptionalism, which is teaching history with a certain slant, specifically that the United States of America is the greatest country in the world and that as Americans, we are exceptional for our virtues, morals, and our democracy. It completely washes over and ignores the ugly truths in our history, namely the enslaving of people simply for their race (yes, primarily Africans, but also Chinese and Filipinos among others), something which our entire country was founded upon, not evening mentioning the genocide committed against Native Peoples, such as the Trail of Tears.

How does American Exceptionalism and the erasing of "ugly" American history factor into book bans and burnings? It comes down to the abbreviated concept of Critical Race Theory (CRT) which we hear about in the news all the time now. A certain type of traditionally conservative parent does not want CRT taught in schools because they don't want their precious White child "made" to "feel guilty" about the atrocities committed throughout American history.

This is erroneous and disingenuous because said precious White child has not personally committed any of these historical atrocities for the simple reason that these atrocities are historical, in our collective past. It is called "history" for a reason. However, these past atrocities have shaped and defined American culture and society for over 150 years. CRT looks to teach the true history of the United States of America, in such a way as to open minds and begin to unravel the racist, and later, homophobic, threads in our society.

How does CRT relate to the banning and burning of books? It's because so many of the books being banned and burned are by authors of color and LGBTQIA+. There are so many authors in America and of other nationalities that are being banned simply because they are speaking their truth.

Why are book bans and burnings so problematic? Because they are nearly always instigated by ultra-conservative governments trying to eradicate the narratives and stories that run counter to their beliefs, and more to the point, the beliefs that they are keen to impose on others.

Nazi Germany is hardly the only example of this, but an apt one, and extremely relevant given the state of things in America today. The Nazis burned books that they considered to be subversive, which means "tending or intending to subvert, overthrow, destroy, or undermine an established or existing system, especially a legally constituted government or set of beliefs."

To break this down to its most simplistic form: the Nazis burned books that didn't adhere to Nazi doctrine and beliefs. This included Jewish authors, socialist authors like Karl Marx, great minds like Albert Einstein and Helen Keller, storytellers like Ernest Hemmingway, and thousands and thousands of others, simply because the Nazis felt that these authors' works were counter to Nazi indoctrination and ideals.

"But... America is not Nazi Germany!" you say. Well given the current trajectory we are on, that statement rings alarmingly hollow. Book bans and burnings are antithetical to our First Amendment right to free speech. As Americans, we cannot revere our right to free speech while also banning and burning books that are meant to make people question, take stock, and in general, think about the world as they know it.

So when I see states like Florida and Tennessee banning and burning books, it scares the hell out of me. I think it's absolutely terrifying that we Americans are seeing the exact mentality here that kicked off the start of Nazi Germany.

If you're not afraid, you should be.