Overwhelmed and Undermotivated

The state of overwhelm is like slowly drowning from life's pressures. Or, if you're an ADHDer like me, it's akin to a feeding frenzy in shark-infested waters. It's not just that you'll drown, but it's entirely possible you'll get eaten alive before drowning even occurs to you.

Such is the state of my desk right now. I have cramped access to my keyboard and my mouse, and every other square inch of my desk is covered with crap that I know I need to clean up. I want my desk back. But the mountain of crap currently eating all of my desk real estate is daunting, which therefore makes even the idea of cleaning it all up incredibly overwhelming.

Typically, when I get extremely overwhelmed with a task, I ignore it. Instead of reclaiming my space, I live with the rearranging of things that shouldn't even be there, deal with the mountains as they topple, and generally just pretend that the problem doesn't exist.

This is where the undermotivation comes in. I should want to clean up and reclaim my space. In fact, I truly do want to tidy up, but the thought of doing it is so bloody overwhelming that I'd rather just curl into a ball and do nothing, again pretending there's no issue.

Unfortunately one reaches a point where one can no longer ignore the elephant in the room. It becomes too big, too massive, and you have to muster up the motivation to clear the crap out to become a functioning person again. I can say to myself, "If I accomplish A, then I can do B." If I accomplish cleaning my desk, then I can start gaming on my PC again.

So where does motivation come from? For neurotypicals ("NTs"), the driving motivation is simply to complete the task. Something needs to get done, an NT does it and moves on to the next task.

For ADHDers, motivation comes from darker places. My personal motivators are Disgust & Shame. Disgust with myself for having let it get as bad as it is, and Shame since I live in a shared space with my spouse, so A) my mess affects him, and B) we can't host anyone because I'm too ashamed to let anyone in the door.

The Disgust & Shame can feed into a negative thought spiral, triggering self-loathing and depression. "If I can't even do a simple task like clean my effing desk, then why am I even alive?" Is this pattern of thought ridiculous? Yes, it is. Sadly for ADHDers, it's our truth. We play LIFE on Hard Mode.

So what does Hard Mode mean? In gaming, Hard Mode is an option that allows the player to play on a more difficult setting. NTs play on Standard Mode. Society is set up for neurotypicals to function successfully in the world. For neurodivergents ("NDs"), society has already started us with a handicap because we don't think the "right" way, or do things the "right" way, or even learn the "right" way. Our neurodivergence defaults us to Hard Mode, and unfortunately, it's not a setting we have the option of turning off.

Since I'm on Hard Mode, and I am rather ashamed of myself for letting my desk situation deteriorate so badly, how do I get out of it and stop hating myself? On paper, it's easy: just do the task. But since I'm overwhelmed with drowning in the shark-infested waters that are the mountains of shit on my desk, it's a hard ask. I start by taking my medication, followed by caffeine, closely followed by a mantra and some awesome music to set myself up for success. And then... after an hour or so of prep time, I tackle the task. Does it work every time? No. That would be too easy. But today... today is the day I'm going to do it.

Okay, I've procrastinated long enough in blogging about the state of my desk. I think it's finally time to do it.

The Journey is More Important Than the Destination...

Say the people who don't struggle with ADHD. I get that journeys are well and good and that there is much to be learned on the way, but for those of us who struggle to get to the destination, on time, the journey can be a real nightmare.

I have gotten obsessive about leaving way earlier than typically needed just to make sure I end up there on time, even if that means arriving too early and spending half an hour getting coffee, or an hour browsing for things I don't need at Target (which never ends well for my purse, but that's a tale for another time).

On the other hand, there are ADHDers who are chronically late, and no matter what you tell them, they will still be late. I told a friend of mine (a fellow ADHDer) who was invited to my brother's wedding that the wedding would start at 2:00pm (it started at 3:00pm) and she was still late, missing the entire ceremony. I don't recount this out of anger but from a place of comprehension and compassion.

Those two things, comprehension and compassion, are two of the most important things for neurotypical people to keep in mind when trying to discuss problems with their ADHD loved ones. Comprehending that ADHD brains do have neurological differences from our more neurotypical brethren can help keep frustration from boiling over. Understanding that your ADHD friends or family aren't being deliberately obstinate, obtuse, or just plain difficult is key. The truth of the matter is that your ADHD loved ones are struggling with everything on the inside, and having compassion for them will make all the difference in your relationship.

That got preachy, which was not my intent, though it is still important.

There are also times when the destination gets completely lost on the journey, specifically with trains of thought. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've stopped in the middle of saying something with no idea what was supposed to come next. Literally mid-sentence. I was already halfway there, but where I was going with it is now lost for somewhere between several minutes and eternity.

An example:

Me: Leah at work was really having an issue with her brother falling off the wagon so I was telling her that-

Spouse: (Cooking) Can you pass the salt?

Me: Sure!

(I spend several seconds looking around, spinning in a circle trying to find the salt. Does he mean the empty shaker on the table? Unlikely. The grinder that's supposed to be on the shelf in the kitchen but isn't? I spin again. Where is the salt!? Oh, it's on top of the coffee pot.)

Me: Wait. The coffee pot? Why is the salt on the coffee pot?

Spouse: I have no idea. You probably set it there when you were using the toaster.

Me: Oh... okay. (Beat.) What was I saying?

Spouse: About Leah.

Me: What about Leah?

Spouse: Her brother?

Me: ...

Thought gone, vanished without a trace.

So that's having the destination taken right out from under you. But we ADHDers are resourceful, and as long as there is a ground to walk upon, even if there's no path, and a sort-of sense of direction, we can forge our own paths. And we'll get there when we get there.

The Journey

The Heiress of Sisyphus

In Greek Mythology, Sisyphus was punished by Hades by forcing him to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only for it to roll back down every time it neared the top, repeating this action for eternity.

As the heiress of Sisyphus, I, too, push a boulder up a hill, only for it to roll back down every time I near the top. The boulder I push is comprised of several parts: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Bipolar Disorder, and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), with myriad smaller issues and ailments too tedious to name.

(DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor. I am not a licensed psychologist. I’m just a woman living with these juxtaposed issues, trying to make sense of her life by writing all this shit down.)

To start with, one must know the definitions at play here. For those uninitiated in the lingo:

Neurotypical: not displaying or characterized by autistic or other neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behavior

Neurodivergent: differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal; not neurotypical

Neurospicy: those who embrace their neurodivergence and wear it like a goddamn badge of honor

I fall into this last category. I am not ashamed of my neurodivergence and I refuse to be held hostage to it. Okay, that last part needs to be qualified: I try not to let my ADHD/Bipolar Disorder hold me back, but, due to the natures of these issues, it's an uphill battle, which is how this blog gets its name.

This blog aims to explore the boulder parts in a freestyle manner that I hope will educate, enlighten, teach empathy, and make you (the reader) laugh.